CrazyMonkey's World

诚
人为何不能对自己坦诚?
人为何不能对别人坦诚?
人为何不能不当双面人?
人为何不能就实行诺言?
不累吗?
不困吗?
不烦吗?
不行吗?

实
我希望确确实实的,
我希望实实在在的,
我希望脚踏实地的,
但...
可以吗?
可行吗?
可能吗?

1. Grades have been dropping, I've got no choice but to spend most of my time revising and learn the way of a nerd.

2. SIFE is all about talking, as if I have not been talking most of the time. But the difference is, I need to learn to speak like a professional businessman.

3. FYP@ARICC is just that stressful. I have got no idea what I can do in the lab, knowing very well that I should be capable of doing something by now.

Other than these 3, I've no other priorities at the moment. But these 3 alone can really cause insomnia and I can feel it already...

A week has passed, I still can't cope with the emptiness in my heart. Its too quiet. I really hate this. I've spent so much time in front of the screen, not knowing what I was watching. My mind is still swirling with those faces of the people I miss terribly. I cannot forget the joy and happiness they brought to me. They were the one who taught me how to smile from the bottom of my heart. Its really painful, but I have to wake up, I have to accept the fact that I'm back into this hateful reality.

Starting from next week, all of us will be returning to our busy lives. Day by day, I've wasted my life away, not knowing what I should do. I'm physically in Singapore, but my heart is not here. Familiar faces flash through my mind all the time. Just by thinking of them can make me smile, but when I meet up with my friends, I couldn't smile as much. Funny erh?

The idea of going back to classes in just a week really scares me.
What if I can't meet my expectations?
What if I disappoint myself once again?
What if I fail yet again?
I cannot afford to fail anymore. Its tough but I have to deal with it. Its a path I've chosen, so I have no choice but to embrace it. There is no room for regrets, the only way is to move forward and hoping that at the end of the journey, I can get what I want.

When I was there in Lo-ong, I thought that I would come back with a wider smile as I was already having a wider smile there. But I was wrong. Ever since I reached home, I didn't smile like I did in Lo-ong, in fact, it is worse than the time before the trip. Other than my family, my fellow teammates and random memories of what we've been through during the expedition, nothing and nobody can make me smile or excite me. Its very annoying, but I have no idea what to do about it.

There is this emptiness inside my heart which I cannot explain. I don't know if its because that my fellow teammates are not here with me, or its because I miss the people in Lo-ong, or both. I just couldn't help but sit by the window, desperately looking for something that can help me to stop thinking about all these for just a moment, because it is really very painful.

I really hope that this situation may improve quickly because starting from next week, I have to step into the harsh reality all over again. Hope that the busy schedule can help me on that too.

25 days have passed. Just like one of my friend in the team said, it felt like a dream. The days seemed so short. The people in Lo-ong, the works we've done, the places we've been and the people I've been working with. I felt so weird when I stepped into the airport yesterday...all of these seemed so familiar yet so new to me. When everybody kissed each other goodbye, one by one, I felt something significant leaving me slowly. Eventually, I felt an emptiness in my heart. The city is so busy and noisy, but I heard nothing. I didn't laugh as hard as I had in the pass 25 days during our dinner last night, and I was only laughing when we were talking about what we'd been through for the pass 25 days. Nobody but one for me to say goodnight and goodmorning to. I felt so weird, I felt like I've been left alone by the world. Listening to the songs, familiar faces flashing through my mind, one by one, I started to miss everyone. I know that nothing will ever be the same again, I know I need to wake up to the reality but the question is: How? The memories we had together is so fresh, 27 of them, plus countless of other people walking in and out of my life for the pass 25 days. These 25 days will be with me for at least the next 25 years or double or even triple the time.

25 days of my life has just been gone. I don't know what kind of person I've became. Have I changed in the slightest bit or not? I don't really know. But there's one thing for sure, at least I now know that I can change, I don't know how to explain this but I do know. I don't expect everyone to see the change in me, because they don't, all I need is to know myself that I am changing. When has it became that trying hard is not enough? Maybe after a year or two, people might come to realize that I have been trying very hard to change. I've grown so much for the pass 25 days together with 27 extraordinary people. Each and everyone of them has left a significant part of themselves in me. They are now irreplaceable people in my heart. I just hope that in the future, we can all go back together to the place we shared our memories for the pass 25 days, as a whole, just to be together again. I'm missing everyone already...